Goodbye’s all that’s left

 

iStock-497098454-810x540

 

You treat me like I’m replaceable,

A statue at a corner of a sidewalk,

My mistake is letting you,

This isn’t love, it cannot be love

It’s infatuation; in my eyes you are perfect

A man with a golden heart,

My walls came down easy

Your kisses irresistibly send shivers down my body

But it’s not all that I want.

I’m not asking for the moon,

Simply that we watch it glow together,

The world’s too big for me,

But your hand fits perfectly in mine.

I don’t blame you,

I blame me for forgetting my promises

The one’s I wrote at the back of my journal,

I swore I’d never break them,

Until you came along and now

You’re all that’s on my mind,

But on your mind, there are plenty of other options,

I will treasure every moment

But walking away is all that’s left for me to do

Because if this was love, I wouldn’t be an option.

 

 

 

Advertisements

perfectly imperfect

incandescent

I’m not everyone’s cup of tea

Not even a chai latte,

I’m one of those drinks that rarely get orders

Like a cup of tea mixed with kisubi,

A teaspoon of coffee and ginger

With a drop of lemon, because just like the extraordinary taste

Of this drink going down your throat,

So am I, unique, yet perfectly imperfect.

 

 

 

3 Minutes

 

 

 

[3:01am]goodbye2-1

It is what I want,

Chaos, like people in a mall

Calmness, like the morning waves at a beach

As long as our shadows don’t part

 

[3:02am]

What if you walk away?

Leave me on my feet,

What if pride capture’s your attention.

An apology becomes too hard,

Or we are so happy, we decide to part?

What if there’s no adventure and

The stairs no longer challenge our breathing

What if we become ordinary?

[3:03am]

Perhaps we should spend some time apart

Say hi when we bump into each other

Maybe my eyes will not wander,

To every corner of these four walls trying to catch yours,

And maybe, just maybe if we’re lucky,

I’ll forget your last name and you’ll forget mine.

Be there, always

 

If you weren’t present

During my preparation period

Seasons I spent under the scotching sun,

Digging and weeding,

Sweat dripping uncontrollably,

woman-eating-apple

 

From my sunburnt body,

Be not present,

During the days of harvest

Eagerly waiting to have a taste

 

Of my tamarind juice,

Or stare at my blooming apples

And fill your belly,

Relinquish all claims to my garden

Until you make a pledge to

Be present from the time we lay a foundation

To the period of harvesting

I wasn’t dreaming

large

I know I said I don’t believe in fairy tales,

It was a lie, because sixty percent of me does

Maybe not the white horses or mansions in the air

But something about them has to be true

Because grandfather and grandmother celebrated sixty years together

Yesterday, by the camp fire

She was cold, she didn’t ask for a blanket

But he took off his jacket and covered her,

What else can I call what they have?

 

Waking up on a Sunday morning

In your arms, I open my eyes

You’re staring into mine

I hate it when you do that, stare so deep into my eyes

But you do it anyways; I can’t help but love you

Love you more than I hate what you do

You watch too much football, I barely know why,

“It’s just men running around a field” I would say

But last night, while we were watching

I caught myself on my toes, screaming at a goal

This is more than butterflies; it’s a reaction to all of you

Your eyes, your lips, your humor, your hobbies

The night flies when I’m with you.

 

You said that you’re scared,

Scared of hurting people

Is it people or is it me? Because I’d rather get hurt by you

Than experience anything with anyone else

I don’t want to feel, if it’s not with you

Happiness or pain, as long as it’s a piece of you

Perhaps when it’s all said and done,

I’ll write a “happy-book” or a “pain-book”

But at least these chapters will all have your name

And if morning comes, you’re not next to me,

I’ll smile with a few tear drops in my eyes,

You were mine, and I yours

We fell hard, failed to last but we tried,

What do I call this? Heartbreak?

Time will tell, from June all the way to October and maybe December.

 

My mother would say you’re cool,

I like your little brother; he gets on your nerves

We talk a lot, it’s an addiction

That night, at the club that I hate, I fell in love with your dancing

Sometimes I get cold feet; you remind me that my voice is all I need

How can I feel safe, feel warm and cold, all at the same time

If this isn’t part of a fairytale, then what is?

Because I find myself thinking about you, at the last minute of an hour

You can tell when I’m happy, not from my laugh or smile

When I’m sad, not because I cry but only you know when

And when each day comes to an end and I haven’t seen your face

I search for you and my heart is at rest when I find you

This, is the fairytale I want,

With you and I

 

 

 

 

 

Make me feel

 

Can I look at into your eyes?

And resist the urge to kiss yourelacionamentos

Have your hands around my waist

Without sharing a bed with you

Walk under dawn’s protection

And not hold hands

These Goosebumps, they make me nervous

A good kind of nervous

 

You make my imaginations run wild

Be the Christian to my Anastasia

I don’t care whether it’s during the day or night

Pull me close, I want your breath on my neck

Run your hands down my spine

You’re not letting me down

I want it so bad, let me in

Let me feel you, hide inside me

 

This innocence, barrier to my confidence

Locking up my inner crazy

Come to me baby, un-cage me

I want your hands on the right spots

Let me scream, neighbours moved out

Take me under the sheets

Let’s live our wildest dreams

Don’t keep me guessing

 

Don’t change

Me and you we’re not meant to be

But we’ll break the law of attraction

Our storyline won’t be contrived

Your skin against mine

I am yours and you are mine

And we are intertwined

Why do we wake up from dreams?

 

 

 

Heart Screams

 My falsetto isn’t pitch perfect but baby,

I’ll sing for you

I dance like a two year old, Two days and two nights

To learn a move, but pull me close and baby,

I’ll dance for you

Some of the words you type I want to read

But some of the things you say, I do not want to hear,

As long as we’re talking, I want you to know that

I’ll always listen

From you, I want it all, the good the bad, the ugly

Every time I look at you, my heart screams

 

I want to experience it all with you

Do what lovers do, but I can’t while you’re staring at her.

I would do it all for you, if I was certain that I have your heart,

But you cannot book a heart; it’s not an air ticket

I often wonder how a soul can be so perfect.

I was hoping you’d have a “cool boy” attitude

And be rude like the other ones but you’re kind and

For that, I fight for you, I will fight for you

But you should know, I do it with a screaming heart

I’ve archived your chat about a hundred times

Typed and deleted messages about a thousand times

But I picture us together under a sunset so I reply to you.

 

 

My heart is not made of stone, baby

Don’t play with it

I could be the bad character in a movie

But this is real life and I was hoping that baby,

You’d choose me

Because whether it’s January or December,

In the rain or in the sun shine

I’d choose you

You and she have history, so many memories

I get that, but I want you to know that sometimes,

I catch you staring at her the way I stare at you and baby,

It hurts me

My heart screams so loud, it could jump out of my chest

If she means a lot to you, like you mean a lot me, you don’t have to choose,

I will choose for you, I will walk away

I know what it’s like, what it’s like to fall for you

I don’t blame her.

 

It’s been a month since we spoke,

Since I heard your ringtone,

The messages stopped coming in and

It’s really been a month

Since I’ve cried and said my goodbyes.

You didn’t check up on me,

And you once said you loved me.

I believed you, as easy as A, B, C

I wrote so many poems for you

Picked up so many songs for us

I wanted you to knock on my door

I wanted you to apologize and ask me to dance

I wanted you to be the good guy in a movie,

What a dream, cause all it took was one month

For you to run back into her arms,

So all the poems, I burnt them up.

My heart screams still,

But this time, it’s not for you

Little fragments appear in my thoughts but

They do not move me as they did,

It’s been a great achievement, crossing this bridge

And if it breaks I know I won’t have any regrets.

I will meet new people, Fall in love and,

Perhaps maybe go to France like thirteen year old me always wanted

For now, I’ll go camping.

Singing with random strangers while firewood keeps the fire burning

The poems come easy now, I write about birds and gardens

Thank you for saying good bye, because of that

I can finally say hello to a new chapter

And P.s

I hope she makes you happier than I ever could

And that you treat her better than you treated me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COMFORT ZONE

I don’t want to put the first foot down, because it will mean getting out of this comfort zone, at least that’s what I’m calling it. I’ve decided to run away from the world today, is that even possible? Yes! And I’m doing it in the four walls of my room, I decided I want more than just existence or wistfulness , I can’t give you an answer orLife begins at the end of your comfort zone. Hand lettering quote on a creative seamless background.n what exactly this means but hopefully by the end these twenty four hours you and I will both get a glimpse of  it. I’m not astray; I need to revisit a few choices I’ve been making of late in order to have a clear conscience.

I’m not ready to listen to anyone’s voice, moving cars or see the bright light going through the curtains. I want today to myself, not a single fly on the wall should evade my privacy, I’ve decided this is the first step I need to take if I’m getting redemption, a peace of mind. It’s almost impossible to get my mind off what’s happening outside these four  walls but having  to escape the drama for a while is worth it, like they say “life’s too short” and I know it’s  an adage but it helps me believe that I can get through all the rampages without completely shattering down.

I want to stay here a little bit longer, my cell phone is off and the socket is too far, I do not know who is going to call but at this moment I don’t want to listen to my ringtone or anyone’s caller tunes, I’m not delusional or delirious, I just need my personal freedom to reminisce the little things that made me laugh till my stomach hurt. I’ve lost knowledge of what it means to be genuinely happy and I have to find that before I can open the door to the outside world.

World, lose remembrance of  me for just twenty hours, find another employee to do my work, another daughter to give advice and tea in the morning, another niece to share funny whatsapp videos with, another sister to plot your pranks with because today I’ve decided that I’m not leaving this comfort zone. I need to call a truce with the enemies I’ve created in my head, break a few patterns that flood my soul with sorrow; I need this, my solitude.

Sweet heart, I hope you miss me as much as I do you and as much as I want to pick my phone up an explain this phase I’m going through, I won’t because then you’ll want to come over and hold me tight, kiss me passionately, dry my tears, fight my fears, make love to me and that’s not what I need today. I want to hurt alone and get through it alone because if I don’t find my strength then I will always rely on you and I have to be able to rely on myself. Thank you for always coming to my rescue, loving me regardless of all the baggage I bring to the table, for today I need you to trust that I’m alright and building myself.

I need a few hours to fight my own demons, call upon angels to save me before I’m long gone, I need to reform and think about how best I can turn my life around. It won’t help much if I’m around different people and environments; it’s very easy to get caught up in everyone’s life and start wishing it was mine. Writing my own path and making mistakes is going to be the easiest way for me to learn and grow, I need these hours; I need my comfort zone. I know walking in the compound for about thirty minutes is considered a waste of time but it’s not for me.  I feel free; like I don’t know what it’s like to carry the weight of the world, instead it’s the beauty of the rose that I see, the smell of the ground after a little rain pours down, it’s the sound of peace, a temporary break through and I would give anything to be able to feel this sort of relief at least every once a week for the start.

Time is precious, there isn’t a lot of it to waste and I guess the fact that I just spent all twenty four hours on myself today may be considered a waste to many but getting to know and discover who you are is not a waste of time and nobody should judge you for that, take as much time as you need to build yourself up, to nurture yourself so that when it’s time to face the world and dance to the music, you have enough energy and self-esteem to go head strong.

There are a few choices that I’ve made that were truly mine, for this I take full ownership. So thank you to everyone who listened when I spoke even when it didn’t make sense to them, thank you for remaining a constant and for being more than a shoulder to lean on when the world exerts a downward pull on my thoughts and media bombards me with cynicism and tells me who I am supposed to be, dictating every single step of my life, how my body should look and who I should hang out with, you’ve been there to hold me and reminded me to make my own mistakes , take my own paths, fail and never quit because if I continue living on other people’s terms, I’ll never truly experience what life is.

It’s time to go back out there, where opinions count in almost every situation, back to the world where my mistakes are countless and the hurt that I’ve caused the one’s that I love is regrettable. I’m done running and I can’t change what I’ve done neither can I stay hidden inside these four walls forever, all  I can do is get up and run, fall when I’m tired regardless of whether there’s someone to catch me or not. I’m ready now. I’m ready to get out of my comfort zone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

True Friends still exist.

 

My one friend amongst many foes

Though I’m under my own steam, I miss you

Well mostly the accidental laughter, during the most serious moments

Or that time we cried while watching titanic,

And again during the final minutes of” Me before you”

I enjoyed your crazy, you hated my lazy

You didn’t hide that from me, I changed

So with all my energy I trusted you

Though our paths steep and slippery

There’s no one else I’d rather walk with

You are by all odds the most selfless person I know,

You never let me succumb to temptation,

Often reminding me of my “world-changing capability”

I hadn’t quite figured it out myself

Not all days were a piece of cake but we never hit the buffers

So many quotes about “trusting only yourself, and everyone eventually betraying you”

I never needed to be alone; you inspired me to keep moving,

Even when roads were blocked, I’d look for an open window

Burying our regrets in conversations every night before hitting the hay

Procrastinated everything when I needed you

Only a few would relinquish an errand because a friends’ day wasn’t going so well

You went out of your way for me, little favours with the biggest impact

One of my greatest fears has always been disappointing you

Not doing for you half of what you’ve done for me

Luckily I never have to swallow that bitter pill,

With you, I’m always at ease; I don’t have to worry about perfection

Never had an ace in the hole, always disclosed everything like an open book

I always wanted to stay around, you gave me comfort, a sound mine

My mother adores you and your mother adores me

Our fathers are glad we’re friends and always advised that we don’t obsess with the opinion of other’s but focus on what we believe in.

Ten years from now or less, I hope we’re still in each other’s lives,

I’ll be the cool aunt to your children and you to mine

We’ll look back, sure we will and running down all the faces we’ve met

We wouldn’t have it any other way, we crossed paths for a reason and I’m grateful you stayed.

 

 

Side Note.

Appreciate your friends, tell them every chance you get how much they mean to you, don’t wait for things to go wrong, or listen to the negativity that anyone will say about your friendship, “it won’t last, they are just little kids, it’ll fizzle out” block these comments out, a friend is so much more than someone who comes into your life to answer one calling, they are our mentors, comforters, they inspire us, stick with us through thick and thin, the bows to our arrows, shoulders to lean on.  Let them know, in a world where honesty has so little value and everyone is “out to get you” as they say, appreciate your friend who watches your back.

You will fight  and stop talking, dodge each other around for a while, or walk out of eachother’s lives and never return, but that person, your friend is still apart of your story and there was a time when they made you laugh, don’t let one mistake overshadow all the good they have done in your life.

 

 

 

 

 

Beautiful soul, rape was not your choosing.

a4d28608c73c45dc63176d701606a5df

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I would hug you in my arms every night if it could take away the awful memories that keep replaying in your head. Everyone keeps telling you that it’s going to be fine, and I probably wanted to say the same but I won’t, hear this and know that I mean every single word, what happened to you, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, FORGIVE YOURSELF. Let go darling, it’s going to be hard, the pain will be unbearable, but remember you are so much more than what you are going through.

Your memories are filled with disgust, to you it’s impossible to erase his filthy smell, or his big belly forcefully pressing against you, his face, his expressions, at one point you ran out of breath and lay still like a corpse, counting down the seconds and wishing it’d be done as quickly as possible but he never stopped,  and you can’t possibly imagine how a human can be so heartless, yelling on top of your voice but no one seemed to hear, in the night where there’s such a dead silence, not a single person heard your cry for help, or maybe they did but rushed to protect themselves, you’ll never know. He left you for dead in the cold freezing night, and not a trace of him since.

You’ve been so angry ever since, distanced yourself from friends and family, missing out on parties and denying any dinner requests. While you shower,  a good percentage of  the water  is mixed with your tears, nobody knows because you’ve hidden it so well, you’re scared they’ll look at you with pitiful eyes or say things like “it was your fault, you’re  always wearing short stuff” but I’m telling you again, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, FORGIVE YOURSELF, they don’t know what it’s like, don’t waste your breath explaining it to them, talk to a true friend and a go to a counsellor, though they seem rare, talk to someone,  talk to your mother, she can share your pain, she’ll hold you and you’ll both cry…until dawn when you can smile together again.

Wake up, stare at your reflection in the mirror, smile or at least try, don’t lose yourself, don’t give him the satisfaction of believing he ruined you because he didn’t, don’t let this pain consume you, it’s temporary and you can’t take back the time but you know what you can do? Make the most out of the many years you have a head of you, do what twenty one year olds do, join the clubs you’ve always wanted, be a cheer leader, sing at the assembly and talent shows and above all, realize it’s a privilege to be you, experience life and put yourself out there, don’t let your past destroy you.

The naked truth will come, his day will come but until then, take the roses that your crush brings you every Saturday morning, be happier with someone new, not all men are the same, you deserve to smile, to be taken out for picnics and be covered with a warm blazer when you’re feeling cold at the movies. You deserve to be kissed so tenderly and to be embraced when your eyes are soaking wet, you deserve to have that dance at prom instead of sitting alone, take as many photos as you want and try out every filter till you’re contented, be happy and I mean really happy. Justice will prevail, it might not be by your hands but it will prevail until then, forgive yourself.

To every mother, aunt, niece, daughter, all the women in the world who have been victims of this rape, remind yourself constantly that it was not your fault, and that you should have a say over what happens to your body, sex should be a choice that you make willingly not forcefully, you are beautiful, you deserve better, forgive yourself and be one of the few that help stop this violent and inhuman act, start your new chapter.

Create awareness, remind everyone in this situation that they are not alone, do not stay silent.

 

EDITED VERSION coming soon on word press.