Revealing a truth was never easy for Kira, for her, it was better if someone slept happy with a lie, than stayed awake and cried all night long because of the truth. Behind her back, a few referred to her as “a people-pleaser”,to some extent, maybe she was or she was just a young twenty year old looking for some sort of acceptance, understanding, she simply wanted to fit in in-spite being affluent.
What society implies is that everyone should leave a mark, it doesn’t matter what you do. Kira wasn’t a judgmental person, she couldn’t care less if you wore close to nothing, what mattered to her is that it was of your own free will and no one coerced you to do it, once in a while she would watch videos of her friends twerking that had gotten almost half a million views, she would walk up to them and congratulate them, to her if something made your soul shine, it meant that you were happy and this made her happy, believe it or not she cared about people, it was for her, both a blessing a curse.
On Tuesday as she was heading to class for her second period with a friend, one of her favourite lectures called her and she handed her books, along with her diary to her friend, his name was David, it did not cross her mind one bit that he would read her diary and go as far as to show to a few other people. David opened a page, at random but filled with so much eagerness. The page was written on the 4th of November 2016, here’s what it said;
I’ve been affected for a while now, that’s probably why I haven’t found the courage to put what I’m about to reveal in these pages, but screw it. For so long I’ve been scared, been bowing to the will of others, forgetting myself. I’ve been trying to prove how much my past is so yesterday and that what’s left is me. My past is over, but then in the process of reminding myself, a little voice in my head told me that I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone.
While I knew I was freed from a heavy burden I’ve been carrying for such a long time, I still felt the need to go out of my way to please everyone around me, not just friends but family, strangers. I still felt heavy, for everyone who called I would help, whatever it took, whatever kind of favour they needed, money, safety driver, counselor without qualifications, gossip partner (I hate gossiping) but I did it anyway because my so-called friends did it.
My mother and auntie think I have a boyfriend that I won’t tell them about, every time I ask for permission to go out, they bless me and say “be back home early” but they trust me, I never come home late and when I think I will I tell them in advance, the boyfriend talk was getting to me because here’s what they honestly didn’t know. In school while everybody was bragging about how awesome their girlfriends or boyfriends were, I had no story to tell. For a long time, I had been writing myself love letters, pretending they came from my nonexistent boyfriend, I had made up stories to all who asked unable to repeat them because they were all lies, and that I had only ever loved, or liked one boy, it all happened so fast I didn’t make a lot of sense of it but here’s what I do know, he did love me, not in the kind of way I wanted to be loved but the best friend kind of love. I may have or may not have wanted more then but I’m sure now that I didn’t.
He was the ex of a very close friend of mine and I couldn’t jeopardize our friendship like that, I had seen friends become enemies because of such scenarios and it would not have been fair, but mostly he didn’t want it. See he openly admitted that he has a type, or a preference and I didn’t even come close, his name? George.
I’ve always been afraid of relationships, I talked to my best friend Will about it and she said that unless I gave somebody a chance I would never really know what I’m missing. It’s been close to four years and I still haven’t. Many ask the same question, “Have you ever had a boyfriend? Have you ever been in love? My answer is always yes, and yet it should be No, without shame but I am ashamed, society says it’s not cool.
I’m going to say bye for today, I’ve written way too much but I do want to say that I do have a crush on a boy, according to society I can’t be with him because he way shorter or taller than me, since when did it become okay to choose height over personality but then again that is just my perspective. This boy and I are close, really good friends and I know he doesn’t have a crush on me because I think he has a girlfriend and his eyes do not light up when he looks at me, I know now that my prince, somehow got lost in a forest hahaha.
When David read this his first thought was whether he could be the guy that Kira is crushing on, but it couldn’t have been him, he was just as tall as Kira. But see he wanted to continue the search till he found the mystery person, so he tried to put together all of Kira’s closest male friends and made them read her diary, she walked in on them and she as soon as she saw what they’d been up to, she walked up to David, grabbed her books and walked up to her sit, she could have caused a scene but she didn’t, she was so full of rage that she was afraid confronting him at that very moment would lead her to say words she couldn’t take back. The lecturer entered, he was brief, as soon as he was done, and she rushed out never looked back.
Kira is making some life changing decisions, like saying NO and feeling good about, it might sound selfish but it’s not, she is putting herself first. From the clothes to the friends to religion to hangouts, she is choosing what makes her happy. She realized that when there’s so much dictating on one’s life, you can’t even see clearly enough to focus on what really matters. You.