LOVE, LUST AND LIES

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I was never the only soul

Blessed with the sweet aura of your sheets

Kissed so tenderly by such soft lips

Showered with the lilies, I should’ve known

The word love means nothing to you

You’re a ruthless fool and yet,

My beating heart has a place for you beyond its rib cage

 

Come to think of it, it’s getting clear now

You hated it, the public displays of affection

Were you masquerading, trying to rush the hours

Was your other close by? You did not want her eyes catching us…

Tell me this; have you ever brought her here as well?

Our special place, you have memories of two, don’t you?

 

Loving you was easy, easy as a Sunday morning,

Easy as counting the stars

Respectful, understanding, free-willed

That is all I saw, but they say love is blind, I must have been blind

I would do it all over again; I would not trade a quarter of what we had for anything

Your affections for me were great; I never wanted us to part ways

But I forgave you uncountable times, enough times to realize that I too deserve happiness

 

You had but one thing to do, to come home to me

Walk by all and dream with me

But your desires, the lust and lies became a nightmare

I loved every ounce of you, but I can tell between right and wrong

So I wish you catch a star with her,

I too will have to dream with someone else

For such a strong heart, no matter how broken, it can breathe again.

 

 

 

IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY AFTER ALL.

Anger is a deal breaker and today I just want to free myself. I was upset yesterday, so upset that I repeatedly rehearsed what I was going to say to a friend that hurt me. I wanted to watch a movie before sleeping, but I didn’t and I felt like there was a stone tied to my heart, my tears were seconds away from flowing down, but I said “no” every single time that I get hurt, I cry, I get so angry that I’m unable to communicate, I feel a difficulty when breathing, I was almost convinced that I had anger issues but I don’t. it’s the works of people who just don’t care if I smile or cry, they don’t care if I’m not reaching my goals  or if I don’t perform so well in class. I just didn’t want to give them the satisfaction anymore, I wanted to be free, so today, January 16th 2017, I woke up thinking about myself and every single thing I thought was worth ruining my day for and yet it wasn’t. My mother spoke to me and I didn’t answer and then she said “do not give me attitude when I’m talking to you” she was right, I was being disrespectful and she is my mom and she didn’t deserve that, anyone in the world but not her. So I decided that I wouldn’t confront my friend but instead I read my devotional ‘JESUS CALLING’ by Sarah Young and I’m going to quote exactly what this date says.

DON’T REHEARSE YOUR PROBLEMS

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. –Joshua 1:9

Some days are just hard- a tough test, a fight with a friend, trouble at home. You rehearse it over and over in your mind like the words to a song.  But when you rehearse your problems that way, you live them over and over again. You were meant to live through them only once – when they actually happen!

Don’t try to figure out how you’ll get through the situation on your own. Come to me, and let me guide you and give you my peace. Don’t forget that I am always with you. I will give you all the strength and courage you need to face whatever challenges come your way. I will turn your worries and fears into confidence and trust.

After reading this, I just sat down and started writing this very article but I said a prayer first, and then listened to a song titled free by Kierra Sheard and how he loves us by Kim Walker-Smith/ Jesus culture and i love God. There’s a lot of stuff I could do right now to release my anger but after reading my devotional and seeing that my situation matches every single word in that book, on the same day, I’m grateful, I’m not perfect, I’m covered in flaws in fact I was angry, so angry that forgiveness wasn’t even a consideration, but you know what, I have angered people too and they may have felt the exact same way as I did or even worse but they didn’t lush out, they forgave me. And I know what I did and repented for has nothing to do with what’s happening to me but I understand completely.

So I’m letting it go, I’m not going to carry heavy burdens any more, Jesus does that for me, and I’m going to cry now, and then not because I’m unhappy but because, there is someone in this world that sees beyond my insecurities, someone that loves me whether I’m right or wrong, he sees it all but he never gives up on me, so I’m going to sing, write and worship. I have his love and that matters more than all the anger I feel, more than how many friends hurt me, more than how many times I screw up, he loves me.

I’m not angry anymore and I will not let this beautiful sunset pass me by , and I’m going to watch my movie and annoy my little brother (in a good way), I am going to tell my mom that she is the best thing that God ever gave me, and that I love her so much, I’m going to laugh with my big sister. I’m going to smile more often, I have a beautiful smile and I know this upsets the devil but he better not mess with my protector, lover of my soul, my redeemer, my all because hell’s fire won’t be hot enough for him.1 (1).jpg

WRITE IT ALL DOWN

                                                                   

 

 

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sometimes, the way we plan things  isn’t the way they end up, people meet, the ones that we love fall in love with other people and it should be alright, if we really love them, we’ll care that they are happy and keep the memories instead. And that point in time, that is when you know that your happiness lies elsewhere.

 

 

Write it all down

The cold nights, you’re walking on the beach,

Alone, playing with the sand and gazing at the stars.

When your thoughts keep you company, your footsteps
have no guide,

I want you to write it all down.

 

Write it all down

The days you wish home was just around the corner,

You imagine running into my arms, and I’d sing for you.

When you miss your father’s fishing lessons

And your mother’s baking.

Your brother, playing his guitar and your sister’s obsession with fink.

 

Write it all down

When the bullets are too loud, you fear your life is on the line.

Sleepless nights, enemies have become your neighbours,

But you remind yourself of what a brave soldier you are,

How much courage you have, and nightmares no longer haunt you.

When you stare into the enemy’s eyes and put a bullet through his chest.

For the love of your country and those dearest to your heart.

 

Write it all down

When you finally get some peace and quiet, you then recall,

The first time we made love, in your arms I lay,

I knew then, you were the one for me,

And though far apart, we’d remember our vow

Our hearts belonged to each other,

Though wishes like these are like dust on a table, waiting to be wiped away,

We held on for a while.

 

Write it all down

When you meet someone, you love her as much as you loved me and much more,

When your mission is done, your house is neighboured by the beach.

And the day you don’t think about me,

The day you’re happy and your children whisper “daddy tell us a story.”

You kiss your wife’s forehead and tell her she is the one, you make a declaration and know you’ll grow old together.

 

Stop writing it all down

Start living, your happiness mattered so much to me,

That is why I asked you to write it all down,

I wanted to have you near me, to convince myself that distance was nothing,

I have lost you but my soul sleeps at night, you gave me love

You gave me truth, you gave me, ME.

I love you, be happy.

 

 

 

kira, you owe society nothing

 

 

Revealing a truth was never easy for Kira, for her, it was better if someone slept happy with a lie, than stayed awake and cried all night long because of the truth. Behind her back, a few referred to her as “a people-pleaser”,to some extent, maybe she was or she was just a young twenty year old looking for some sort of acceptance, understanding, she simply wanted to fit in in-spite being affluent.

What society implies is that everyone should leave a mark, it doesn’t matter what you do. Kira wasn’t a judgmental person, she couldn’t care less if you  wore close to nothing, what mattered to her is that it was of your own free will and no one coerced you to do it, once in a while she would watch videos of her friends twerking that had gotten almost half a million views, she would walk up to them and congratulate them, to her if something made your soul shine, it meant that you were happy and this made her happy, believe it or not she cared about people, it was for her, both a blessing a curse.

On Tuesday as she was heading to class for her second period with a friend, one of her favourite lectures called her and she handed her books, along with her diary to her friend, his name was David, it did not cross her mind one bit that he would read her diary and go as far as to show to a few other people. David opened a page, at random but filled with so much eagerness. The page was written on the 4th of November 2016, here’s what it said;

Dear diary,

I’ve been affected for a while now, that’s probably why I haven’t found the courage to put what I’m about to reveal in these pages, but screw it. For so long I’ve been scared, been bowing to the will of others, forgetting myself. I’ve been trying to prove how much my past is so yesterday and that what’s left is me. My past is over, but then in the process of reminding myself, a little voice in my head told me that I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone.

While I knew I was freed from a heavy burden I’ve been carrying for such a long time, I still felt the need to go out of my way to please everyone around me, not just friends but family, strangers. I still felt heavy, for everyone who called I would help, whatever it took, whatever kind of favour they needed, money, safety driver, counselor without qualifications, gossip partner (I hate gossiping) but I did it anyway because my so-called friends did it.

My mother and auntie think I have a boyfriend that I won’t tell them about, every time I ask for permission to go out, they bless me and say “be back home early” but they trust me, I never come home late and when I think I will I tell them in advance, the boyfriend talk was getting to me because here’s what they honestly didn’t know. In school while everybody was bragging about how awesome their girlfriends or boyfriends were, I had no story to tell. For a long time, I had been writing myself love letters, pretending they came from my nonexistent boyfriend, I had made up stories to all who asked unable to repeat them because they were all lies, and that I had only ever loved, or liked one boy, it all happened so fast I didn’t make a lot of sense of it but here’s what I do know, he did love me, not in the kind of way I wanted to be loved but the best friend kind of love. I may have or may not have wanted more then but I’m sure now that I didn’t.

He was the ex of a very close friend of mine and I couldn’t jeopardize our friendship like that, I had seen friends become enemies because of such scenarios and it would not have been fair, but mostly he didn’t want it. See he openly admitted that he has a type, or a preference and I didn’t even come close, his name? George.

I’ve always been afraid of relationships, I talked to my best friend Will about it and she said that unless I gave somebody a chance I would never really know what I’m missing. It’s been close to four years and I still haven’t. Many ask the same question, “Have you ever had a boyfriend? Have you ever been in love? My answer is always yes, and yet it should be No, without shame but I am ashamed, society says it’s not cool.

I’m going to say bye for today, I’ve written way too much but I do want to say that I do have a crush on a boy, according to society I can’t be with him because he way shorter or taller than me,  since when did it become okay to choose height over personality but then again that is just my perspective. This boy and I are close, really good friends and I know he doesn’t have a crush on me because I think he has a girlfriend and his eyes do not light up when he looks at me,  I know now that my prince, somehow got lost in a forest hahaha.

                           -Kira

When David read this his first thought was whether he could be the guy that Kira is crushing on, but it couldn’t have been him, he was just as tall as Kira. But see he wanted to continue the search till he found the mystery person, so he tried to put together all of Kira’s closest male friends and made them read her diary, she walked in on them and she as soon as she saw what they’d been up to, she walked up to David, grabbed her books and walked up to her sit, she could have caused a scene but she didn’t, she was so full of rage that she was afraid confronting him at that very moment would lead her to say words she couldn’t take  back. The lecturer entered, he was brief, as soon as he was done, and she rushed out never looked back.

Kira is making some life changing decisions, like saying NO and feeling good about, it might sound selfish but it’s not, she is putting herself first. From the clothes to the friends to religion to hangouts, she is choosing what makes her happy. She realized that when there’s so much dictating on one’s life, you can’t even see clearly enough to focus on what really matters. You.

 

 

GUILTY AS CHARGED

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GUILTY AS CHARGED

The crime wasn’t mine to commit, I did it anyways,

Guilty as charged

They wouldn’t have believed me, records are more firm,

Guilty as charged

Witnesses with doubts, that’s what I had, none able to look me in the eyes,

Guilty as charged

A choice I made, I made alone, how did it come to this? What made her become who she is now? Nobody cares,

Guilty as charged

One believed for two minutes that I was innocent, but her mind revisited my past crimes, “she is guilty, let go” it told her, she couldn’t battle her own mind, and two minutes of innocence were gone with the wind,

Guilty as charged

These cells, there cold, crowded and dirty, these people, my kind, some innocent, some guilty but majority unheard, we talk more now, I listen to each critically, in here, you have nothing to hide, every stone is turned, almost no secrets to take to the grave,

Guilty as charged

We’ve become family, it’s sad I have to go, back to the very world that didn’t listen, the very people that disregarded my rights, but I came out with a plan, to prove that not many were,

Guilty as charged

Law school is challenging, the lecturer reminded me why I’m here, and tomorrow is graduation, so close to proving that I wasn’t,

Guilty as charged

It’s been hard, every law firm has knowledge of my record, a few are willing to take me in, I chose this one, hopefully I made the right choice to prove that some of my people, my family, weren’t

Guilty as charged

My first important case is today, it took a lot of patience, sacrifice, discipline but I finally get to prove that Lily isn’t guilty as she is being charged and my family will have faith in me not just as their friend but their lawyer to prove that they weren’t

Guilty as charged.

Lily did not go to jail, I finally proved that she was innocent, Melisa was released early, her best friend is being charged with plagiarism, she is the reason Melisa got six years in jail. Natalie’s case got reopened, new evidence surfaced, and I want to say that I had nothing to do with it, or do I? I cannot give you a direct answer but what I can say is that, I will go out of my way to prove that she is not,

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

 

DEAR BEST FRIEND, I LOVE YOU.

Dear diary,

I have come to realize, how lucky I am.

How Lucky I am to have my best friend, while many take this “title” lightly, I don’t. And that’s why, as much as I have fear that one day the love of my life will break my heart, I fear that if my best friend walks away, recovery will take quite a long time, I actually won’t recover, she’s a part of me.

We met in the year 2012, the month of May, two complete strangers. We didn’t say hi, right away but I was getting comfortable in high school amongst so many obstacles, for no particular reason I decided to switch beds and sleep at the top of the double decker bed. And I, obviously being annoyingly organized would get mad at things as simple as a “hand wrinkled spot” on my bed. This would get me on both toes, uttering words loudly. Normally a few others would reply and we would yell at the top of our voices. But, she just said, sorry, walked over to my bed, straightened it up and walked away. In that moment, I was shrinking! Almost like a piece of cloth, humbled, ashamed, in regret and I came to the conclusion that day that we weren’t going to speak to each other. That evening right after supper, she spoke to me; she asked me if we could go to choir practice together. P.S, I love singing and I love the Lord. Without hesitation, I said yes and that’s how our journey started.

It’s overwhelming to have someone be so identical to you, not in appearance but in likes, dislikes, future plans, jumping together at a song that plays on the radio. It goes beyond the little things but trusting another soul with a part of your life you’d kept hidden for so long, lifting each other up when the world is cruel, but more importantly being silly enough to talk about our crushes, future husbands. We would write songs together, take long walks and imagine how her babies would call me aunt, and so one day eventually we’d live right across the street from each other.

We grew up now, Adults, our flaws have become our strongest weapons, we dream but the dreams are a bit different, we see each other less and the sleep overs reduced to a few times a year, many might think “what happened to them” nothing happened cause, behind closed doors, our audio messages to each other are still stupid, we’re still “kidults” that want to give their children everything, and provide the best that we can for our families, so far now, we work as hard as possible to make that happen while we plan our future trips, Paris is one of the destinations she wants to visit, so it’s written down in our “BEST FRIEND TOURS” and ROME, mine.

Her voice makes me laugh, cry, dance, sit and to sum it all, it gives me the shivers, it’s the first time I ever got jealous, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be a friend to a soul with such a voice, it’s the voice of a beautiful alien, it’s out of this world, so yes!! I once in a while wish I had a voice like hers, but here’s the reason I’m very appreciative. She tells me I am talented, she reads all my articles before anybody else, so it doesn’t matter what our futures are, her and I look at the same stars.

For laughing at my “not so funny jokes” for letting me rest on your lap when I can’t stop the tears from flowing, for letting me be me. I love you and I appreciate you so much, I may not say it every day from January to December but in between February and November,  I will have written about it uncountable times in my Journal, you’re the best little sister/  best friend/ God sent blessing I could ever ask for.

To MY best friend and little sister

Wendy.

To 100 years of adventure and love and laughter.

Yours Faithfully,

Gillian.

 

 

JORDAN, FIGURING IT OUT.

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She had turned eighteen but the phrase “age is just a number” applied to her in many ways, being the free-spirited person she was, not afraid to utter words as long as her gut gave her a green card. In about three week’s time she would be joining University, she told Tryon, her bestfriend, how time flew by so fast and Tyron agreed, saying that they were soon growing grey hair, he said this with a wry smile.

It was about ten minutes of expressionlessness between these two and that’s probably why Tyron thought he was lost in his own thoughts when he heard Jordan say that she was going to run for guild president at university. Tyron had always been very supportive of Jordan, not only because he had a deep admiration for her but because she never seized to suprise him. Tyron stood up, trying to exhibit calm and told her that she didn’t even know which University she was goig to attend, he didn’t want to come off as combative, so he said that he would support her and even lead the campaign, they both laughed out loud and made plans about their future.

Two weeks til the University welcomes new entrants or “freshers” a term used to identify new students at the university, first years to be specific. Jordan was very practical and shrewd, she always stood out and the fact that she already had a cv was proof. Tyron asked why she had one already and she managed to put up a persuasive demonstration, she also said that it would show everything she had accomplished in relatively little time. Tyron who was always so firm in loyalty said that he had never thought about it like that, in the end he found it convincing.

They both joined Makerere University, the second most prestigious University in Africa, also found in Uganda. People always gave a slight indication that the university was more popular than the country itself. Jordan always refered to it as the “Yale of Africa” but Tryon always laughed at the statement without giving it too much thought.

Jordan and Tyron both wanted to be in the Agribusiness class and fortunately for them they got just that. There class had very few students, about fifteen to twenty students, towards mid semester, the number had increased to 35 and Proffesor Ann had made it clear that it was the permanent number, unless someone changed a course. By this time, Jordan had mastered all the names of each student and halls to which they had been attached, despite the fact that she was commuting from home. She was also the class representative and leader of her group. Jordan was devoted to alk the roles she was given and found time for almost everything.

With all the enthusiastic devotion came challenges, a few classmates were resentful of Jordan’s fortune and achievements that they soon began saying false and malicious things that painted a picture of a dominating and authoritative person, which wasn’t what Jordan was trying to potray. Few disapproved, but tge majority shared the same opinion.

Towards the end of the semester, Jordan’s self esteem began to crumble and she started questioning her intentions, luckily she had a few friends who encouraged her to keep going and ofcourse, Tyron, who always pointed out her mistakes and showed continued allegiance towards her.

Once the test results were released, Jordan was second in her class, and Monic, a downcast student, who always sat jn the corner, was top of her class. Jordan took this as an oplortunity to identify what she didn’t do right and rectify it as welk as make more friends, she invited Monic to be part of her afterclass discussion group and Monic shook her head in agreement. They would always meet to discuss, steady progress in Business statistics, which was challenging for both of them was made.

As the semester came to a close, Jordan and Monic had become very close friends but strong competitors in class, Tyron got the courage to ask Jordan out on a date, and later on thy became a couple. Monic was single but this didn’t bother her at all, she knew she had all the time in the world to date. They both agreed to run for Guild presidency in their second year, they had also marked all the top companies where they would like to do their internship, like World Food Program and United Nations. Jordan promised to give everything she did her best but for now she wasn’t afraid to have some fun along the way.

 

Yes, Lady, You CAN!

It’s not a walk in a park, being a lady. It’s like a walk in a maze, I would say, but with a happy ending, in the end you find the exit. Someone once told me that he views the world in two ways, he said “To me, the world is oval, not round shaped, and then the oval, is divided into half, the upper half has results and the lower half has excuses” I understood what he meant then, I mean, we were speaking the business language, and now as i try to connect to it the daily life of a lady with a child or children, i say some excuses are permissible, if you watch desperate house wives, I want you to take Felicity Huffman’s character for example, Lynette Scavo, who has six children…and in one of the episodes, she actually takes pills just to get some rest while her husband is at work, she then starts to hallucinate, my point is at times, you get tired and you need a day or two off, it’s okay .

It’s not just about having children and a job, but also being a boss at your place of work, which most people, in some cases without even a hundred percent proof, call you bossy. It’s being under looked, considered not fit for a certain role, all because you are a woman. In schools, most of the girls that take up the science subjects, are reffered  to as confused, instead of being called something more morale boosting like, intelligent. Nobody should deny you a role, just because you are a woman, see that plane? A woman can fly it, so well that it will land within the line as required, see that ball, a woman can kick it so good and turn a free throw into a goal, just like Nicki Minaj mentioned in her song, oh and the late nights out partying, she can do that so well too, a first class, she is smart enough to get it, but how is she going to do that if all that is whispered in her ear is, marriage. She is extraordinary.

You and I are women, yes, but we can change the world, if not for us then for our daughters, and sons. Our daughters to be courageous enough to fly that plane if they want to us, and our sons to be supportive and take risks, if they want to open a salon and braid hair, we should stand by them. In a world where fear and violence hides in every corner, we need each other, to stay strong, and united, to walk with humility and grace, with beauty and empathy but mostly to not set limits but instead, go beyond what we believe is our breaking point.

Letters to mother

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She did it all,  in my eyes,  she is superwoman,
She did it all alone,  in case i forgot to mention.  She is both my mother and father,  that’s how fate decided it should be and i am okay with that, the gift of having her as my mother, is the best thing to ever happen to me, she has been my rock, and without even realizing it, she is my world.

I can’t make you understand,  i wish i could  tear out my heart and leave it  for you to see,  see just how much she means to me.
When i stole,  she punished,  when i passed school she praised.  I feel so important because of her, I feel beautiful because there is not a single day that passes by that she doesn’t mention how beautiful i am, am so full of hope, i immediately chase after what i want, she mentioned i could do it and she would be right beside me. she is uncompariable, she is exceptional, and she is my mother.

I walk amongst men with my head up,  with a confidence that leaves wind itself shaken,  she did that,  and maybe this one time i was out of shape,  she didn’t call me fat,  instead she called me beautiful,  and we did exercises together,  to me it was for fun,  to her,  it was to help her daughter drop a few calories without crushing her feelings, i was really worried when it was just a week to prom, nobody asked me out, i was a big girl, but she still carried me on her lap and said “if nobody asks you out, so be it, you will walk into that room and be the most beautiful girl, and you’ll sweep the floor with that sparkling dress, and by the end of the night, you’ll be smiling at the stars” two days to prom, i had a date but even before, i was determined attend prom and smile at the stars, mother had made me love myself that much.

She bought my brother and I identical stuff,  we were twinning our entire childhood,  i don’t remember a time when i lacked,  if it was too expensive,  i got it in a smaller version or just a hug and to me it meant everything. The pillow fights, or that special breakfast every Sunday morning, the little things, i wanted time to stand still, but it had to keep moving, someone once said ” a mother’s heart is a patchwork of love” and i want to hug that person because his or her description was perfect.

She always supports my decisions,  encourages me to follow my dream and my heart is at rest because,  when you are as lucky as i am,  the sky is the limit, but you know what,  i don’t have to reach that limit alone because she is with me every step of the way and there’s a reason why i know and believe i can accomplish anything i set my mind to, it’s all because i listened to my mother. I kept all her words in a special place in my heart, so that when the walls came closing in, I’d think of her and find an escape.

Dear God,  i have asked for so much,  cried for a lot,  you have watched me grow and guided me and loved me above all else,  today i want to thank you for my mom.  Thank you because you gave her to me,  you blessed me.I have lost so many people but she some how helps me forget with one stare of hope in my eyes,  i couldn’t say it enough times but,  i want her,  Ms. Atenyi Jackie.  My Beautiful mother to know that i love her, and for her to see me turn into this beautiful, strong woman, she always knew i would become.  i love you mom.

Letters to mother 💖