I don’t want to put the first foot down, because it will mean getting out of this comfort zone, at least that’s what I’m calling it. I’ve decided to run away from the world today, is that even possible? Yes! And I’m doing it in the four walls of my room, I decided I want more than just existence or wistfulness , I can’t give you an answer orn what exactly this means but hopefully by the end these twenty four hours you and I will both get a glimpse of it. I’m not astray; I need to revisit a few choices I’ve been making of late in order to have a clear conscience.
I’m not ready to listen to anyone’s voice, moving cars or see the bright light going through the curtains. I want today to myself, not a single fly on the wall should evade my privacy, I’ve decided this is the first step I need to take if I’m getting redemption, a peace of mind. It’s almost impossible to get my mind off what’s happening outside these four walls but having to escape the drama for a while is worth it, like they say “life’s too short” and I know it’s an adage but it helps me believe that I can get through all the rampages without completely shattering down.
I want to stay here a little bit longer, my cell phone is off and the socket is too far, I do not know who is going to call but at this moment I don’t want to listen to my ringtone or anyone’s caller tunes, I’m not delusional or delirious, I just need my personal freedom to reminisce the little things that made me laugh till my stomach hurt. I’ve lost knowledge of what it means to be genuinely happy and I have to find that before I can open the door to the outside world.
World, lose remembrance of me for just twenty hours, find another employee to do my work, another daughter to give advice and tea in the morning, another niece to share funny whatsapp videos with, another sister to plot your pranks with because today I’ve decided that I’m not leaving this comfort zone. I need to call a truce with the enemies I’ve created in my head, break a few patterns that flood my soul with sorrow; I need this, my solitude.
Sweet heart, I hope you miss me as much as I do you and as much as I want to pick my phone up an explain this phase I’m going through, I won’t because then you’ll want to come over and hold me tight, kiss me passionately, dry my tears, fight my fears, make love to me and that’s not what I need today. I want to hurt alone and get through it alone because if I don’t find my strength then I will always rely on you and I have to be able to rely on myself. Thank you for always coming to my rescue, loving me regardless of all the baggage I bring to the table, for today I need you to trust that I’m alright and building myself.
I need a few hours to fight my own demons, call upon angels to save me before I’m long gone, I need to reform and think about how best I can turn my life around. It won’t help much if I’m around different people and environments; it’s very easy to get caught up in everyone’s life and start wishing it was mine. Writing my own path and making mistakes is going to be the easiest way for me to learn and grow, I need these hours; I need my comfort zone. I know walking in the compound for about thirty minutes is considered a waste of time but it’s not for me. I feel free; like I don’t know what it’s like to carry the weight of the world, instead it’s the beauty of the rose that I see, the smell of the ground after a little rain pours down, it’s the sound of peace, a temporary break through and I would give anything to be able to feel this sort of relief at least every once a week for the start.
Time is precious, there isn’t a lot of it to waste and I guess the fact that I just spent all twenty four hours on myself today may be considered a waste to many but getting to know and discover who you are is not a waste of time and nobody should judge you for that, take as much time as you need to build yourself up, to nurture yourself so that when it’s time to face the world and dance to the music, you have enough energy and self-esteem to go head strong.
There are a few choices that I’ve made that were truly mine, for this I take full ownership. So thank you to everyone who listened when I spoke even when it didn’t make sense to them, thank you for remaining a constant and for being more than a shoulder to lean on when the world exerts a downward pull on my thoughts and media bombards me with cynicism and tells me who I am supposed to be, dictating every single step of my life, how my body should look and who I should hang out with, you’ve been there to hold me and reminded me to make my own mistakes , take my own paths, fail and never quit because if I continue living on other people’s terms, I’ll never truly experience what life is.
It’s time to go back out there, where opinions count in almost every situation, back to the world where my mistakes are countless and the hurt that I’ve caused the one’s that I love is regrettable. I’m done running and I can’t change what I’ve done neither can I stay hidden inside these four walls forever, all I can do is get up and run, fall when I’m tired regardless of whether there’s someone to catch me or not. I’m ready now. I’m ready to get out of my comfort zone.